DEAR AMY: Trophies don't give young kids any self-esteem

Dear Amy: I'd like your take on giving trophies to young kids fortheir participation in sports.

Apparently I am in the minority here, but my 6-year-old and 4-year-old will get soccer trophies for 10 hours of practice and 10hours of games.

They don't play the entire time, and I don't know anyone on eitherteam who went to all of the practices and games.

We pay to have them play, buy gear for them and give them treatsafter practice and during and after the games. They get to socialize,they have team photos (for a cost) and they get a certificate and anend-of-the-year party. And yet, on top of all of this, most parentsgo in to buy the kids trophies!

I'm not even sure the scores are recorded!

When they're older and play a game competitively, sure, theyshould get prizes, but for the little ones, I really don't get it.

How does one handle this when the only "reasoning" I've heard isthat it builds self-esteem, which I don't believe.

My child would have been the only one on the team not receiving atrophy if I didn't buy her one.

Was I wrong for following along? Are these parents livingvicariously through their children?

If my kids want to play a sport, I have and will continue tosupport them, but I don't think they deserve to be put on a pedestalfor their every movement.

I'm proud of my kids, but getting to play is the reward. - SoccerMom

Dear Mom: Like you, I loathe the advent of "trophy creep." Gettingtrophies has nothing to do with self-esteem. Building self-esteem isa function of kids' feeling worthwhile and necessary to theirfamilies and their community.

Participating in team sports is one way to build self-esteem. Kidslearn how to control their young bodies and their impulses. Theylearn how to read one another and their opponents. They learn to takedirections, how to boost one another and how to take their lumps.(These are also lessons that can be learned singing in the choir,doing tae kwon do, participating in Brownies or Cub Scouts,performing well in the classroom or in myriad other ways.)

Some of the kids who I feel have the healthiest self-esteem arekids who have never even touched a trophy. These are youngindividuals blessed with a clear sense of who they are, along withthe confidence that comes from knowing that they are valued.

So, yes, I don't like the practice of giving trophies to veryyoung children. That having been said, if every other young child onyour child's soccer team receives a trophy, then I think your childshould, too, mainly because little kids shouldn't be made to feelthat they are being somehow penalized before they are old enough tounderstand their parents' views.

Dear Amy: In a recent column, "Stumped Stepmom" wrote about thedilemma of the Christmas budget.

I agree with your approach to spend equally on all of thechildren, and to use family gifts for children with spouses andgrandchildren, but I would also like to add a suggestion from myfamily.

Our practice is that the grown-up siblings no longer exchangepresents with every other sibling, and instead, we take turns andgive a gift to only one other sibling (and their family).

My family has instituted this rule, with a monetary limit, becauseof the pressure the siblings felt upon marriage into other largefamilies. - Liz

Dear Liz: I like this. In my family, all of the young cousins"draw" a name of another young cousin to give a gift to. The cousin'sfamily spends a little more money on that gift and the kids aren'toverwhelmed with presents on Christmas morning.

I love it when families get together to come up with common-sensesolutions that then become cherished traditions.

Dear Amy: I wanted to tell my story regarding love at first sight.

I come from a different country, and my first contact with myhusband was through the Internet. We'd chatted (flirted) for a coupleof months before I traveled with a friend of mine to visit him andsome other online friends living here. Sure, I'd seen pictures of himand talked to him on the phone, but the first time I actually got tomeet him, there aren't words to describe the feeling! It's like allelse disappeared!

Sadly, I'd planned my visit for only a week and had to return, buthe proposed before I left.

We were married six months later! We've been married for almostfive years, and he still makes me feel the same as the first day Imet him. - Still In Love

Dear In Love: For all of the Internet dating nightmares I hear,it's nice to know that the Internet can, in fact, be an agent of truelove.

Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to AskAmy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.